My First Mother's Day

My life changed forever on July 20, 2013. I found out I was six weeks pregnant.

In late high school/early college, I went through some pretty serious spiritual and health battles. The healing process was slow and "painful," but my Faithful Father in heaven was with me every step of the way. However, because of wrong choices I made, I had to deal with the consequences of my actions. One of those consequences was the chance that I would not be able to ever have children.

God blessed me with a very understanding and supportive husband and family, who walked with me through much of my healing process. We were in agreement to adopt a precious baby if we could not have children (NOTE: we STILL want to adopt : )

As I healed physically, the likelihood that I would be able to have children increased. However, I always knew there was a possibility that I would not be able to have children. I actually convinced myself that I would not be able to have kids. I thought it would hurt less, if I could not conceive, to already have that mindset.

Last Mother's Day, some well meaning ladies told me that one day I would be a great mother. I smiled on the outside, but my heart hurt on the inside. I wept bitter tears last year.

What I did not know, is that one month later, I would become pregnant. What a faithful God we serve.

I remember the days before I found out I was pregnant. I was "late," which was not uncommon, and I was feeling funny. My Heroic Husband finally convinced me to take a pregnancy test. I knew it would come back negative, but I humored him.

To my utter surprise (and delight), the test showed a very bright positive sign. I thought it was a fluke - a false positive. I took another test. Same results. I looked at HH, as tears welled up in my eyes. "We are pregnant. What are we going to do?" (said in a matter-of-fact, slightly nervous voice). And then it really hit me. "Oh my goodness, HH!!! We are PREGNANT!!!" (said with more joy than I can describe).

We sat down on our couch, holding shaky hands, and prayed. We thanked God for His amazing blessing. We thanked Him with every ounce of our hearts. We prayed for the sweet little life growing inside of me. We prayed for health and protection. We prayed that we would be good parents - that we would instill God's Word into every moment of the baby's life. We prayed and prayed and prayed the night of July 20, 2013.

The next day, morning sickness hit. And although I did not feel very good for the following four weeks, I knew that every moment I felt bad, was another moment that the baby was healthy and growing. It made those weeks worth it.

At the beginning of my second trimester, I had some spotting. I will never forget the tears I shed or the fear in my heart. My Marvelous Mother reminded me that although I was carrying the baby, ultimately, the baby was God's. That really stuck with me. The baby I carried was God's.  He had given us this little blessing, but He could take it away. Blessed be His Name.

 Job 1:21

"...The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Praise the name of Yahweh." 

On this Mother's Day, which happened to lie on BC's two month birthday, HH and I stood at the front of our church, with 14 other little ones, and dedicated our baby to the Lord. Although this dedication was very special, BC was already the Lord's. HH and I had already committed BC to the Lord when we found out BC existed. I had to be reminded of that commitment - and I know I will have to be reminded again and again.

I think about the story of Hannah in 1 Samuel. Although I am not dropping BC off at church to live, this life is still the Lord's. I pray daily that God will use him to His glory in whatever way He has planned.

1 Samuel 1:11

Making a vow, [Hannah] pleaded, "Lord of Hosts, if You will take notice of Your servant's affliction, remember and not forget me, and give Your servant a son, I will give him to the Lord all the days of his life, and his hair will never be cut."

My heart is so full of thanksgiving as I type this blog. I hear deep baby breaths coming from my lap. I look down and see the most contented little baby, fast asleep in my arms. Last year, this image was many miles away from my mind.

This Mother's Day, I am reminded how faithful our God is, even when we are so unfaithful. I am reminded that God directs our steps, even baby steps inside the womb. I am reminded of the responsibility God has placed in my life, to raise this boy to be a man of God. And I am thankful. Oh so thankful.

Playing with my sweet little boy : )